Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

I’m giving up ice.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.