Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
there has never been a better use of this meme
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.