Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The United Steaks of America
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Overindulged this afternoon.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.