Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?