Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”