Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

My dog after a walk in the woods.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”