Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?