Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
12653.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time