Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today