Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.