Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting