Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Sniffing the broccoli
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples