Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

Thursday

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”