Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters