Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

This trial is so absurd 😭

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

💀💀

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books