Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Peace was never an option
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
even bears disappoint their mothers
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Safety first
