Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.