Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Never forget.
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Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.