Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”