Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”