Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

i would wish you the best but i am the best

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I have so many questions.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY