Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Mountain Goat : )

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

My birthstone is kidney

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th