Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

Trumpy Cat

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane