Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
How animals would run if they were human
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Bear
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.