Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

Donating blood today to make room for more food

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

✌️

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Are we there yet?…

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question