Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift