me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.