me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
This why you should mind your business
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….