Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Stop sending me this shit.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: