Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Seekh Kebab
Not attention