Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

Fluff me with a fork baby

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half