Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

the simulation is moving too fast

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation