Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Haha! 😂
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted