Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do