me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Here’s a meme
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.