ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Quadruple digit IQ
