Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

So the ex texted me

I thought this was funny lol

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me