Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
My Guy
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
brian had himself a morning…
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.