Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.