Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My beach vacation Google searches
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
very niche meme I made
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
the #horror is real!
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.