Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

the battle rages on

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”