Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

#merica

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.