Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.