Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I’m giving up for Lent.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
That stupid look on my face, is my face
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES