Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
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Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My flabber has been gasted.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy