Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

I’m too immature for adultery.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

When I said I liked it rough.

😂😭

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around