Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.