ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do