ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard