ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Hey! This isn’t my car!
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My ideal weight is five million dollars
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Monday Lisa
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.