Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat