Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Need this in my life lol

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me