Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.