Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving