Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.