Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes