Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.