Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

logging onto twitter…

#gardening

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.