Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

You wish you had this many chins.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell