Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?