Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.