Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Like sleeping!

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.