Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
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My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
iPhone X
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please