Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
You Might Also Like
Holy moly
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.