Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE