Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.