Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.