Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”