Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Safety first

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?