Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Social distancing in Australia:
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
That lamp looks PISSED.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.