Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady