Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!