Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Oceanography is all about current events
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
