Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
There is no try. There is only give up.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
