Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
We all have our pet causes.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
