Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.