Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to