ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Dear Lord..
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
guys I’m going home
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again