ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
inside you are two wolves
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
bought wrong eggs
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
How to draw a duck
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents