ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
You Might Also Like
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Not today.. 😂
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Does beer think about me too?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Winnipeg!!
